A toxic relationship can leave scars for a lifetime if you don’t understand the reasoning behind certain behaviours and why YOU had to witness them. That is why it is VERY important to notice some things early on, before getting caught in the drama and the fleeting emotions that may get you a lot of sleepless nights.
Before we delve into this subject, please note that everybody can display toxic features and that each of us, at some moment in time, have been toxic for somebody in our lives. We are not to point the finger at anyone, but rather draw some attention at some behaviours and words that come as a pattern for people at certain stages of their lives. We cannot predict whether a person will change their behaviour or follow through on their promises, but we can protect ourselves from expecting too much. If you notice these behaviours within yourselves, we recommend you to take some time and spend it towards healing.
In the next paragraphs we will describe what apparently has become very common for what a first date with a potential toxic person may be.
This being said, please pay attention to whether your date displays any or more of the list below. My lovely daters (as in: people who go on dates – please let me know of a proper word in a comment below), you are in for a treat.
The love bombers, especially, will make you feel like you have met the one, or that God has put his hands on you and the angels are singing in heaven above (or whatever outrageous romantic image you may have in your head). You will be so entranced with the encounter that you will absolutely ignore or merely acknowledge the below. I, myself, have noticed a few and still decided to go all in, even if I expected hell to break loose a few months later, and right I was.
Let’s delve right in:
- Are they extremely critical about themselves of about other people, or a perfectionist?
We all have flaws and some of us grew up with perfectionist parents who expected the best of us at all times. But when this is everything we are, it darkens the whole experience. With some critical people, it’s like they are walking with a rainy cloud above them.
Even if you are a very positive person, empathetic and nice, you may still need too much energy to deal with such a person.
Remember, you are not responsible for their healing. You can be there for them as a friend, you may send them links and recommend a therapist they can go to, but if you need to always be the one who need a pick-me-up, do you really want to do this? Check your batteries and as long as you can, do it. When you want to stop, you need to not feel guilty. You are no mother/father of the wounded, unless you want to.
I know you can’t possibly tell this from the first date, but you can definitely know this after a first month. Happy vibin’!
2. Is everything personal?
I put that in quotes because not everything, everything will be personal, of course, but rather a lot of things that you say will have a personal connotation for them. “Did you say that to hurt me?” they will suddenly ask in a very random conversation about things and life. Of course, they will not use the words ‘hurt’ or ‘me’, but they will imply you were talking about them in one way or another, when you actually weren’t.
You ought to be very objective and understand how what you said and how you said it may have had an impact, but when this happens very often, it can be a case of mismatch of personalities and/or standard communication problems. Understand the frequency with which this happens may not change with time. It’s normal to have a few misunderstandings, especially at the beginning when you don’t know the other person, but sometimes they may be too much. Oh, time will tell, pay attention.
3. Are they the only one talking and making presumptions about you?
Ok, it works if you are a shy, introverted person and you loooove, love, love when the other person talks more. But in the first dates they should try and find out more about you, than just assume how you are.
Do they see you through some rosy glass? Beware, if you feel like they know very little about you, but act like they’ve known you for forever and describe you in that manner, it may be soon that you will falling from the pedestal they’ve put you on. You will break your neck…metaphorically speaking, ofc.
4. Are they arrogant and/or superior?
They were very nice to you, but they try to impress you with their job, car, the university they attended, the books they read or objects they possess.
Of course you will be impressed, you have just met someone you really like and you have things in common. They read the same books you read, or even better, they listen to the smartest people out there, the graduated all sorts of universities that make you say “wow” or achieved something professionally that you would love to. And they’re there in front of you, creating an altar filled with your pictures, OMG.
How can you not LOVE this person? Yes, I said “love”. See, this word popped into your head from the 1st or 2nd date. Isn’t that crazy? Are they the one?
Let me break it for you: nope, Nope, NOPE. Yes, it’s crazy if you’ve already imagined how your kids are going to look like, regardless of what romantic films tell you. The chances of this working are like 1%.
I don’t want to be the sour magic whisperer, so that’s why you need to look at the whole picture. If (s)he’s the one, (s)he will be the one in a few months as well, don’t you worry. Leave the mental photo of your kid’s curls and smiles for a few months later, ok? This is so you can accurately assess whether you really want this person in your life.
5. Are they drama queens?
Are most of the things they say dramatic or blown out of proportions?
At the beginning, it will be their love for you (even though they’ve only met you a couple of times). Crazy, right? But how can they not love YOU, when you’re such a lovable cutie pie who gives the best to people and spreads love all around? Or the queen you know you are: “all rise for the queen” you may hear in your head.
But then, it will be other people, or things that happen to them, a lot will be very dramatic. They may find excuses for disappearing, or not even that. You will be blamed for expecting the same level of attention you received in the beginning. Well, good luck with that, as it won’t be easy.
But hey, if you keep your sanity intact, you will remember it’s not you. You’re the same cutie pie who deserves all love possible.
Bonus questions for early signs of a toxic relationship
(please read the explanations)
6. Are they very close to their mom?
If so, they please find out what is the expectation of their mom (or any other family member, really). Is this a person whose opinion will always matter, no matter what? Are they living close by? Do they interfere? Do you need their approval or more importantly, is it somebody you like?
I mentioned the mom because boy’s moms may be very hard to compete with, if your future partner expects you to be similar to their parent. Also, some moms really don’t let go of their kid, however nice they may appear.
7. Money is no problem, really?
Have you heard somebody who bragged about money not being a problem on the first dates? I won’t say “run”, but rather be very careful, you may have the skimpiest person alive in front of you. Best case scenario, you have somebody who really wants to get more money and really hate how much they are paid at the moment.
8. Do they make grand gestures and promise the world?
You’ve just met the person, but they say they will put their recently built cottage under your name. Hmmm, really? You may get big gifts, or at least the promise of something huge. Well, this is a person who wants to impress you, but they don’t really know you, do they?
They may need to tick off that box that says “in a relationship” more than they really want to get to know you, so pay attention to the small things.
9. Are they beautiful, but like really beautiful?
You’d ask “oh, but why would you spoil this for me?”. Well, I am not saying your date being beautiful is a red flag per se, I am just saying them being gorgeous will help them get away with so much s**t they wouldn’t normally get away with, it’s unbelievable.
You may spend enough nights thinking about your perfect future babies, but if they’re jackasses in the present, is it really worth it?
10. Are they all in?
I know you will think this is weird, but think about it, somebody who is all in but they have just met you? This is a person who likes making empty promises, so no no! They should not say “Baby, I’m all in” until they spend a few months with you and get to know the quirky, creepy, weird you (you’re welcome 🙂 )
To conclude with, it’s amazing to feel wanted and to receive gifts and attention. All that we discussed here can have a simple, honest meaning behind it and not necessarily be a red flag or a sign of a toxic relationship, but they are definitely things to consider. Look at the big picture, always! And don’t forget to have fun!